Tonight as I was teaching One, I was hearing all of the beautiful things that were coming out of my mouth, all of the ways in which I loved, the ways in which I felt compassion and softness and gentleness. And in that moment, in that hour all of it was truth. Pure, beautiful truth. This happens when I am teaching Oula, too, but the feelings are different. I feel powerful, sexy, strong, full of life and energy and vibrancy and connectedness. And in those moment, too, it is all truth.
But tonight as I was reflecting on my words, my feelings, my movements and the space I was hoping to hold for the beautiful people in my class, I asked myself “Am I a phony? Am I really capable of these words that I am speaking?”
Because to be honest, the person who was teaching tonight wouldn’t lose her patience, wouldn’t get worked up over small things, wouldn’t prioritize a clean house over fun at the park with her kids, wouldn’t feel anger towards those who she disagrees with… or would she? Can I be both? Can I be a complex, messy person, who requires consistent maintenance to get me back to a state of balance, peace and calm?
The thing about Oula is it helps me to become my best self, my whole self, my most alive and loving self, over and over again. Where this gets confusing for me is when I can’t figure out how to cross over the person that I am in class to the person that I am outside of class, where I need her most. So maybe what this tells me is that I’m not a phony, but a person who is flawed, who benefits greatly from self-care, and who values so much the mind-body experience. Maybe when my patience is running short, when stress is feeling intense, when things feel like they’re overwhelming, what I need to do is to pause and tap back into my body. Turn on music, sit down and move or stand up and dance. And breathe. And sing. Or cry or laugh or whatever I need to release. Maybe what I need are more moments in my life to press pause and re-center. Stop judging myself for not being completely grounded in every moment, but when I’m on shaky ground, to prioritize getting back to that space of balance and stability. I think that’s what I need. Self exploration is heartbreaking and eye opening and incredibly amazing all at once, isn’t it?
I hope you all give yourself grace and also find courage in your journeys, wherever you are going. <3