(More reflections from our TUNE IN/IN TUNE OULACATION…)
As part of our Self-Reflection day, we ask people to take a good look at their “stuff” and then decide if, in order to come more IN TUNE with what they want/need, it requires change (action/sweat) or acceptance (tears).
During these retreats, I don’t take part in the exercises or experience personally, but rather hold space for those attending. However, after they are over I spend many days processing it all and I learn a lot in the decompression that follows these events.
One thing that really bothers me about myself is that I am much more comfortable curating an experience than taking part in experiences personally. I’ve asked myself why this is many times. Am I afraid that people will like what I DO more than who I AM if I let them get to know me? Am I a phony and ask that people be real and raw but can’t really do it personally, besides on the dance floor or through writing? Yuck–these questions hurt and their answers feel scary. Last night, I listened to a podcast (I know, I’m on a kick, but as a nursing mom there are many hours day and night of sitting, hence… podcasts). It was a Good Life Project interviewing Glennon Doyle Melton on Love, Life, Leading and the Limelight. During her interview, I had my “AHA!” moment.
She said (in regards to her book tour, but I am relating this to the “stage” of teaching and leading): “Stage suits an introvert. I want to be hidden. And on a stage you kind of are hidden. It’s way different than walking into a cocktail party. There’s a division between you and the crowd. And to me, it feels a little bit like writing. Like ‘I’m going to create this thing, create the heck out of this thing, and then I’m going to deliver it, like as a gift and that’s it. The stage feels safe.'”
She later went on to say “It’s so much easier to save the world than build relationships with those right in front of you.”
THERE IT IS.
I’m an introvert, too, but I also am desiring something else from my personal relationships and with the people that I interact with daily.
So here’s my SWEAT- I’m going to work on deepening my relationships and continue to apply, in real time, what I believe about authenticity and vulnerability, without fear of rejection.
And here’s my TEARS- I need to sit with the fact that I am an introvert and just not as good at conversation as I would like to be. I usually always surround myself with my brilliant, funny friends who keep conversations going (Bernice Brown Johnston and Staci Lee). They are my safety net. That is ok to accept, too. We all have our strengths and it’s ok to support one another where the other lacks. My gifts come in a different form. I can sit with that, while working on my action homework, too.
So, for anyone who wants to do a little SELF-TUNING… I invite you to do a little homework this week. Look at your life and ask yourself where things feel a little “off.” Then ask if they require action or acceptance, sweat or tears. Then give yourself love and grace as you navigate the answers.